Sunday, March 29, 2015
A Thousand Apologies and A Million Thank Yous
This post is long overdue. I should've written it months ago. It's just that I didn't know exactly what to say. Or maybe I just didn't know how to say it. Both those things are probably true. In fact, they are still true. I still don't really know what to say and I still don't know how to say it, but it's been too long already so as ineloquent as this may be, here goes:
First off, I am so sorry to all of my friends who have lost a parent. I wasn't there nearly enough for you. I know that now. I know how much it helps to have people reaching out and checking up on you...even on the days you don't feel like talking to anyone. Especially on the days you don't feel like talking to anyone. And there are no words that can replace my lack of action when you were going through your times of need. I wish I could go back in time and change that, but I can't. All I can do is move forward with this new understanding.
Secondly, I want to thank everyone who was there for me over the past three months. I cannot believe how many people have reached out to me to check up on me, to make sure I was doing ok. I've heard from friends that I hadn't heard from in decades. But when we talked, we spoke as if not a day had passed. I am truly in awe of you. You, who I hadn't talked to in forever, or who hasn't lost a parent, or who is so busy with your own life, knew that I needed to be surrounded by love and kindness. Even when you weren't getting anything in return. You were selfless and understanding and patient.
How did you know I needed all that?
How did I not know that you needed that?
With that thank you comes another apology. I am sorry to all of my friends who have reached out to me over the past three months and to whom I didn't reach back. Like on the night of the Oscars when a whole bunch of you checked up on me to see how I was doing (in my family, the Oscars are like our Christmas). I read your texts and emails and messages and you can't image how much your thoughts and words made me feel loved and like you understood how important my mom was to me. Every day I tell myself that I will call you or write you back, but when the time comes, I just don't have the words or energy or both. But please, don't ever for one second think that I am ignoring you. Your words were a really important part of what kept me going and made me feel loved. I hope one day, I can return the favour.
On second thought, I hope I never have to return the favour.
My friends, you have become my family. And as part of my family, please know that you are loved as such.