Saturday, May 25, 2013

Embarassing Confessions. volume 5, issue 23.

Every morning in the spring and summer, I take myself and my cup of coffee outside for a little walkabout of the garden, inspecting and admiring my miniature farm. Some mornings I'm sad to discover that a creature of the night has munched on a head of lettuce or two.  Some mornings I'm pleasantly surprised to find the first little blossoms on my strawberry plants.  Some mornings I find things that just straight-up shock me. 

Like this morning.

As I was nosing around the garden a little bit of movement in the soil caught my eye.  I looked closer. This is what I saw:
A giant chubby, misshapen worm. I crouched down to take a closer look.  This wasn't one worm, it was two. Two giant night-crawler worms.  Gettin' busy.
I turned towards the house and called for my husband to come outside quickly.  That it was an emergency.  My husband and 13-year-old son (who was in the kitchen and heard me calling) came running asking what was wrong. 
"Look!"  I whisper-shouted as I pointed at the slimy exhibitionists, "Look! Two worms! Doing 'it'!" 
The frantic expression on my husband's face did a 180.  "That's what you called me out here for?  What's wrong with you?" He looked down to where I was pointing. "I don't even see anything there."
I looked down.  They were gone.  All that remained were the two holes they had retreated back into and a tell-tale slime trail. 
"We must have scared them away." I said disappointedly. 
"Or they were done."  said my 13-year-old, matter-of-factly, before wandering back inside to finish his breakfast.
It's official.  My level of maturity is now on-par with a 13-year-old boy. After almost 9 years of teaching them, I am slowly becoming one of them.
Besides the whole "worms doing it" observation, I also find it almost impossible not to snicker at the following:
  • explaining how the rising action contributes to the "climax", the most exciting part of any short story.
  • laughing so hard while watching Jackass that I needed my asthma inhaler.
  • congratulating my husband on reaching puberty each time his voice cracks.
  • That's what she said jokes.
  • discovering that the word embarrass sounds like "bare ass". 
  • and the classic, "hold your balls" line during gym class.
I know, I know. So immature.  But surely I'm not the only almost-40-year-old woman with the maturity of a 13-year-old boy. 
Please tell me you laugh at this stuff to. 

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