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Sunday, March 25, 2012

Fear

1. Cut out refined sugar (or as my daughter calls, it "fake" sugar).
2. Get rid of my gastrointestinal issues.
3. Stop buying so much stuff.  Use what I've got and get rid of what I don't use.
4. Dress in a way that would make Stacey and Clinton proud.
5. Keep my desk/car/room/life more organized.
6. Really learn how to use my Ipad, computer, and other various electronics.
7. Become better at math and finally prove Mr. Cook wrong when he told me that, "some girls just don't have a mind for math."
8. Run faster & pain-free.
10. Actually use my cookbooks.
11. Talk less & listen more.
12. Be a better mom/friend/wife/sister/daughter by actually calling people back. This also means I must pick up my messages and read my emails once in a while.
13. Stop wasting so much time on…nothing.
14. Get control of and understand my finances.
15. Renovate my kid's bathroom.
16. Reduce my carbon footprint.
17. Stop being afraid…of everything. From spiders to the dark to confrontation to Thai street food.

Very quietly, resolution #2-organize my desk- came and went. So how did it go? I am happy to report that I am much better. My desk does not always look as perfect as it did here on Day One, but I am now used to taking a few minutes at the start and/or end of the day to straighten things up and organize my work, which in turn, helps me organize my thoughts.

Except…

Some days, like every day last week when it was sunny and beyond-unseasonably warm, I just can't wait to leave school, get outside, and just run. And I'm OK with leaving it looking somewhat messy, especially when I think about this image and this quote from Albert Einstein:


I've come to realize that whenever you set a goal, or resolution, for yourself, there are going to be step-backs.  Notice I said step-backs, and not setbacks, or failures. Because they're not failures…as long as I'm in control.  So I stayed in control and owned it.  I owned it when it was a gorgeous day outside or when it wasthe last day before March break and I told myself, "I am in control of my actions and making the decision not to clean my desk today because I really, really want to get outta here."

or

"I am in control of my actions and making the decision to eat refined chocolate today because Cadbury invented this:
And yes, it was as good as I thought and soooo worth it.
This chocolate bar is dangerous stuff.
I guess my point is this:

I realized that eating a chocolate bar or leaving my desk messy was not failure, but just a natural part of "two steps forward, one step back" when changing my life for the better.  I also realized that it was the overwhelming fear of failure that has been keeping me from attempting these changes for years.  

That is why, for resolution #3, I have chose to stop being afraid of everything.  I know that that seems like an impossible task, I mean, how can you consciously get over fears, like the way you consciously clean your desk or shun sugar?  

In the words of Eleanor Roosevelt (and Lululemon): do one thing a day that scares you.  And when I sat down and really thought about it, I realized that in fact, every single day, I am faced with things that scare me, whether its something big, like going down a waterslide named "Big Thunder" or something small, like eating popcorn while alone in the house without fear of choking to death ( 15 years ago at a Little Jimmy Dickens concert in the Georgia mountains, I choked on a piece of popcorn and am only alive today because my husband knows how to do the Heimlich manoeuvre.  I've been afraid of eating popcorn alone ever since.).  Like holding my ground when confronting the carpet cleaning man and not paying more money to clean the upstairs stairs that he should have cleaned the first time. 

There is almost nothing that I fear more than confrontation because it brings up so many other fears: fear of failure, fear of making the other person feel bad, fear of making myself feel stupid, fear of having other people know that I "lost", fear of knowing what I wanted and then knowing that I couldn't get it.

In the past two weeks, I HAVE ridden Big Thunder (and in the process dropped the F-bomb as loud and as long as I could in front of my children). I HAVE eaten popcorn alone in the house (and lived to tell the tale. I MAY confront the carpet cleaning man tomorrow morning.

See? Two steps forward, one step back.


2 comments:

  1. I'm afraid to conquer certain of my fears since they involve touching snakes and overcoming my panic of the subway. I have begun to assert myself, and be damned what people think of me. Work in progress, sister. Also, I want to try that chocolate bar. Worth it?

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  2. It was SO worth it. It was even better than I thought it would be…but consider yourself warned. Share it with a friend because if alone, you will eat the entire thing (as I did…sadly…which impacted very negatively on resolution #1)

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Thoughts?